Hur jävla svårt ska det vara. För mig. Att fatta att jag är en människa. Som inte kan gå på hur mycket som helst. Utan vila.
Eller. Jag kanske förstår att jag måste vila. Men jag gillar det inte. Jag gillar inte att vara trött. Med allt vad det innebär.
Trötthet är min största fallgrop. Den leder direkt till alla sorters självhat. Vi har ju alla våra utlopp. Men jag går ju bärsärkargång på min kropp. Alltid. Den är min slagsäck. Jag hänger upp den i garaget. Och slår på den tills den blöder.
Sen äter jag helst hela tiden. För att verkligen säkerställa min värdelöshet. Vem bryr sig. Jag är ju redan sönderslagen.
Intressant det där. När jag behöver som mest kärlek. När min kropp och knopp. Är utmattade och har arbetat på högvarv. När det ända rätta vore att vila. Och ta hand om mig själv. Hälla upp ett bad med kärlek och förståelse. Tända några ljus. Och sakta sjunka ner bland bubblorna.
Då gör jag precis tvärtom. Jag lägger mig på brinnande kol. Hoppar på spikar. Och piskar mig själv gul och blå. Elak är bara förnamnet. Och den ena spydigheten efter den andra träffar mitt bankande hjärta.
Jag är trött. Både trött. Och trött på mig själv. Det ena får stanna. Men resten får gå. Jag är lika bra trött som pigg. Glad som ledsen. Lugn som irriterad.
Mitt värde sitter inte i mitt humör. Eller i min energi. Jag tänker sluta mobba mig själv. Det är ju vansinne. Att jag inte ska kunna stå på min egen sida. Jag ställer mig där nu. Med endast kärlek i hjärtat. Och en massa bomull att vira in mig i.
KRAM!
Du uttrycker dej så mitt poesiöra slår lyckliga kullerbyttor, men det du förmedlar gör mej ledsen i hjärtat och jag önskar dej alla ljuva bubblor i världen. Bubblor som omsluter dej och hela din fantastiska uppenbarelse. Du är ju liksom bäst på att vara du ♥
ReplyDeleteKram vackra!
Bubblor. Eller varför inte bubbelplast! Tack fantastiska Nina! Din kärlek värmer och får bomullen att föröka sig. Kr!
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