Ibland tänker jag att de skulle vara trevligt att få vara. Precis som jag är och känner mig. Kanske lite mera arg. Och lite mindre positiv. Eller åtminstone inte tycka att det är fel. Att känna svartsjuka. Frustration. Ilska. Trötthet. Tillsammans med alla de andra känslorna som finns på "The Secrets" svarta lista. Att jag skulle tillåta mig vara en människa. Lite nu som då.
Ibland händer det att jag inte tycker om någon. Att jag tänker onda tankar. Men jag hinner aldrig tänka klart. För någon i mig. Ja ni hör ju hur det låter. Anser att det är fel. Att det är bäst att sända ut kärlek. För det du sänder ut drar du till dig. Så står jag där och kämpar. Med att tänka goda tankar om någon jag inte gillar. Samtidigt som jag känner avsmak mot mig själv. För att jag lyckas halvbra. Och funderar på hur det är möjligt att jag ens kunde ha den tanken i första taget.
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Med jämna mellanrum kommer jag fram till. Att jag aldrig kommer att kunna göra rätt. Att det inte spelar någon som helst roll vad jag gör. Hur jag är. För min snedvridna perfektionshjärna ändå kommer att skjuta ner varenda försök jag tar mig an. Aldrig anse att det är gott nog.
Då blir jag arg. Som riktigt förbannad. Och vet ni vad. Jag gillar den känslan. Massor. Jag tycker om att vara arg. Att låta mig tänka. Skit samma. Är det bästa som finns. Det lättar i bröstet. Andetagen går djupare. Och jag slipper kontrollera varje känsla. Impuls och handling.
Om det aldrig ändå är gott nog är det väl lika bra att ge upp. Bara låta saker och ting ske. Under tiden jag går runt och känner ilska. Eller glädje. Eller någon annan rolig eller mindre rolig känsla. Jag vill bara slappna av. Ni vet. Kasta av mig BH:n. Slänga upp fötterna på soffkanten. Och låta långfingrarna dansa i takt till en visslande version av "tip tap tip tap tipe tipe tip tap".
Vi är ju inga maskiner som alltid kan tänka rationellt eller tvinga våra känslor åt det håll som är mest "lönsamt". Ibland är man lite, arg, missunsam och avundsjuk och det måste få vara helt okej det också. Åtminstone jag själv tycker att det hjälper om jag helhjärtat rullar runt i min självömkan då det känns så, då tappar den greppet om en och sen kan man genuint gå ut i världen med bättre inställning igen. Men med tvång går det sällan, då förnekar man ju sina egna känslor och det slutar aldrig väl.
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